Somewhere else, I was responding to someone’s question about 12th house stelliums, and I figured I would post it here since it was a segue to something that I was probably going to write about. Even if astrology isn’t your thing, this serves as a framework and jumping off point for what I want to illustrate. My post starts after the ChatGPT quote.

The 12th house in Vedic astrology is one of the most mysterious and complex houses, often associated with moksha (spiritual liberation), isolation, foreign lands, losses, the subconscious, hidden enemies, and transcendence. It is known as the house of endings, dissolution, and the unknown but also deep spiritual insight, otherworldly experiences, and self-sacrifice. – ChatGPT

I have a stellium (sun, Venus, ketu) in the 12th house. I’ve always been detached, solitary, highly sensitive/perceptive, highly imaginative, and drawn to the spiritual. It always feels like I’m flickering in and out of existence, like I’m not quite present and somewhere far away. When I was a child, I would have these out-of-body experiences where I would observe myself in a room from a bird’s eye of view. Other people’s spirits would inhabit my body or vice versa and I would experience life through their eyes. I’ve been described as otherworldly, remote, and inscrutable a couple of times.

I struggle with being present in the world and I find most of it alienating, crude, ugly, sterile, and simultaneously overstimulating and numbing. Yet I’ve always been attracted to the underworld, underground subcultures, and the rougher and grittier underbelly of society since the sheen of politeness and the conceit of oversocialization don’t apply. It feels more raw and more real. I’ve always been drawn to extremes to the point of self-destruction. I’m very much merged with the death drive, and it’s not even subconscious, it’s fully conscious and present.

I love writing, books, and tuned into the occult/spiritual significance of the written and spoken word (Gemini rashi stellium in 12H). This also extends to art as well. Despite my detachment, I’ve always been deeply sensual and sexual though not in an overt way. It’s more like a slow burn that insidiously seeps into your bones. I generally don’t like overt and direct displays of sexuality (except in certain contexts or if the energy feels right). I prefer more subtle, symbolic, and psychologically textured depictions of sexuality and seduction.

The abyss, void, existence at point zero, or whatever you want to call it has a powerful undertow for me. I recently I joked about needing my womb pierced and to orgasmically scream into the void, but that’s the honestly how it feels like. I have dreams of Carcosa and I miss it.

Artwork by Suguru Tanaka